Just to forewarn any of you about to read this, I’m sorry…it is more of a journal entry about what has been going on in my life the last couple of months…
Wow, life really has a way of sweeping you up and keeping you busy, doesn’t it?! It’s hard to believe it’s already the middle of May and the last time I posted was at the very end of March. In the middle of March, on St Patrick’s Day, I found out the very exciting news that I was pregnant. This was exciting as well as a little nerve-wracking since I had experience a miscarriage in early January at 5 weeks pregnant. I barely had soaked in the fact that I was indeed pregnant when the January miscarriage happened but my midwife advised me I could try again after a month and shouldn’t have much of a problem. It was exciting to be pregnant again in March, but the thought of having another miscarriage was always in the back of my mind.
April was a tough month. I was feeling gross, nauseated, exhausted and just plain old yuck. I got through every day doing my best to keep Jacob busy, find energy for my already scheduled photo sessions and also try to find time to get photos edited for my clients. I tried to look on the bright side: try to enjoy every moment of being pregnant and feeling sick because A. This would be the last time, as we only want 2 kids and B. Everyone tells you that if you are feeling bad, that is GOOD and that your hormones are going crazy to grow that little one. It was SO exciting at 10 weeks along (around the end of April) that I finally started feeling more “human”, slightly more energetic, and not nearly as nauseated on a regular basis. Being that I was nearing the end of my first trimester, this seemed totally normal.
On May 2nd I went in for a routine prenatal appointment and to hopefully hear baby’s heartbeat on Doppler. Jim was going to come with me, too. But Jacob had a very rough night of throwing up and having a bad fever and couldn’t go to school, so had to go on my own, which didn’t really seem like a big deal at that point. Everything seemed normal to me until Dr. Deb was trying to find the heartbeat on Doppler and couldn’t. She tried to be reassuring that baby might just be hiding or under the placenta, etc… She was so kind to get me in immediately for an ultrasound but I had a bad feeling about what would be found, although I still stayed hopeful. Unfortunately, the ultrasound showed that baby had stopped growing somewhere around 6 weeks gestation.
I was immediately in tears and sobbing and made a few phone calls to my most important people for some support. I was immediately crushed. Not only did I think I was almost over that hump of not needing to worry as much anymore, I felt like my body betrayed me by continuing to “feel” pregnant and not releasing this baby when is passed. My instant thought was, “I cannot handle going through this again so I don’t even want to try anymore” It’s too much, it’s too hard, it’s too painful, it’s too stressful. Having now gone through this kind of loss 2 times in less than 4 months just hurts too much. I scheduled a D&C surgery for the very next day. I decided to do it that way instead of waiting on my body. I just couldn’t handle waiting for it to happen on it’s own.
The outpouring of support and love shown to me by my family, friends and clients truly helped me get through this incredibly hard time. There were phone calls, emails, texts, flowers, food, cards, visits, my most special friend who came and just laid in bed with me that first day, my wonderful “nurses” Mom Dianne and Lisa (and Jim) who cared for me the day of my surgery, and of course, my wonderful hubby who managed to get out of work for a few days to give me time to heal without Jacob climbing all over me. I was overwhelmed (in an AWESOME WAY) by the kindness of everyone surrounding me and still cannot thank everyone enough for your support. My midwife forewarned me that “people will say stupid things” because they don’t know what to say. I would have to say that not a single person said something stupid to me SO thanks for that, too! And I heard from so many mamas I know who have gone through the same thing.
So, how are things now, a few weeks later?! Well, every day gets better and better! As my mom said, you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with life! Do I still feel like throwing in the towel and not trying for another baby anymore? NO WAY! That was a fleeting moment of desperation when I was at my saddest. I hope and pray that I will get pregnant again and have the chance to have a second child. Of course I wish it would be as easy and textbook as it was with Jacob, but clearly it hasn’t been. But here’s to hoping the 3rd time is the charm!
Before I get pregnant again (god-willing), my goals are to:
1. Have a super fun summer and enjoy a glass of wine and some sushi when I feel like it.
2. Take LOTS of photos!
3. Relax and enjoy, do more yoga and exercise more.
4. Play a lot, enjoy the beach, the sun and my boys and my Sugar.
5. Plant a fruit, veggie, flower garden.
6. Attend a Making Things Happen Photo Workshop in Chicago in October.
7. Turn 35 and also celebrate our 7 Year Wedding Anniversary!
8. Heal my body and my soul.
9. Meet with a new OB/Gyn to get testing done to make sure everything is up to par with my hormones/thyroid/etc… and discuss options for checking the pregnancy more often next time via ultrasound or other techniques.
We’ve got lots on the schedule already for Jacob this summer. He is all lined up for VBS, summer school at All Saints (where he attends preschool), t-ball, and a week of church day-camp at our neighbor’s church. I’m trying to keep him engaged with other kids and activities this summer so that the transition to Kindergarten in September is a smooth one! We are continuing with his OT and after a few weeks off due to billing issues and my miscarriage, we are back to his sessions, but I think we only have a few left. Although the eating thing hasn’t improved a ton, there are other behavioral things that have gotten MUCH better. He is less impulsive, does better at playdates and has drastically improved at school.
So, to wrap up this short novel, I will say thanks to all of you who are such great people I am surrounded with! Thanks for all of your love and support and wonderful-ness (if that is a word You rock! And here’s to a fun summer full of new adventures and good things.